Top of His List

I was digging through a bunch of my older stuff, and found this.

it was september fourth, 1920.
the sky was the shade of blue that was almost gray, the air around us seeming to be filled with a dusty smoke, making everything seem a little dirty, a little worn. a little tired.
like the people beneath it.
we were all a little tired, when you thought about it.
all except for me. i was restless, i was young, i was proud...i was lost.
like all children do at some point in their lives, i'd ran a little too far away from home.
it was just a game, i like to say.
and momma's voice, scared and crying out for me...
just made the race more real, more exciting.
i'll be home by dinner, ma!
but i wouldn't.
i should've said goodbye.

i was just eleven years old. i was young, i was lost, i was confused.....
and i didn't know where i was.
i'd lost my path.
i'd lost my trail.
i couldn't hear momma's voice anymore...though she was still screaming for me.
miles and miles away.
and she'd still be screaming, up until the day when her time came, too, and she saw me again.

you see, Jesus had been watching out for me, my whole life. i was a good little girl, always helped momma with the dishes, always fed the animals with Daddy, even when he didn't ask. i tried not to fight with my two older brothers, and i did my best at school.

but the lord has a big book, said the reverend Markus one day at church, and in that book, he makes a very long list. all of our names are on that list, he said, scribbled down in the lord's ancient hand. some of us are closer to the top, he admonished, so we better be careful.
but i don't think we can change where our names are on that list.
i don't think good behavior, vigilant eyes, have anything to do with the order he puts us in.
and no matter how well behaved i was, no matter how kind, how smart i was, i would always be at the top of that list, farther to the top than my friends and my family, farther to the top than a little girl should have to be.
and i couldn't change that, for it was the lord's will.

so i laugh as i amble towards the river. i didn't know Jesus was watching me closely...
i didn't know i'd never come back out.

it was just a game. just a game...
and the farther i pushed on, the more fun it became.

"don't worry!" momma laughed, as she fastened the vest tighter around my chest. "with this on, not even your neck will have the chance to go under. you're perfectly safe, sweet pea."
i wasn't so sure. "but, momma, if i drown--"
"you won't drown, honey. hush!"
"but momma if i did! would you catch me, momma?"
and she leaned down and kissed my forehead, staining my white skin with rose petal lipstick.
"I'll catch you."

i smile as i remove my shoes and socks, not bothering with my dress. its dirty already, like everything on the farm. it could use a nice wash.
at first, its all fresh. it's all sweet. it's all cool.
it's a rush.
it's a song.
it's...

it's a crash.
and i'm spiraling down.
down.
farther down...

will you catch me, momma? will you catch me!?

my dress is spinning.
my feet are caught.
my hair is tangled and..
im so far from home.

"where's my little girl!? where is she!?!?" but no one hears my momma's voice. no one's listening. "she'll be back, honey. come on, let's eat. she knows her way home." but Daddy's wrong.
i'm so lost.
i'm so lost!
but momma can't hear me, so she sits down at the table, and she eats the tasteless meal she made herself...but all she sees is my dinner plate next to hers.
full and untouched.
still hot.
but getting cold.
and i won't have the chance to eat it before bed tonight.

my eyes open, one last time, and i pray to the lord above.
"tell me, Jesus, is this my time? am i at the top of your list?"
but i hear no answer.
i see no proof.
all i see is blackness, another wave, another crash...
and i see a puff of air escape my lungs, a burst, an explosion..
and my momma isn't here to catch me
so i fall
and i drown
and i'm lost.

and i'll never find my way home again.
and i'll never eat the dinner momma made for me.
and i'll never
i'll never live again...

"goodbye momma, goodbye daddy...

and now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep.
and if i die before i wake
i pray for God my soul to take.

...and Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
When in the morning light I wake,
Teach me the path of love to take.

and now i lay
me down
to sleep.
i pray the lord
my soul
to keep....



another word, another prayer, another verse.
maybe they'll hear me.
maybe they'll come and save me.
pull me out.
bring me back...

or maybe i'll fall deeper, and i'll only see the lord.
and so i'll sing very loud this time, because i want him to sing with me.

so now i lay me down to sleep...

and pray the lord my soul to keep...

and now there are two voices, even more, a choir of angels singing with me...

Guard me Jesus through the night...

And wake me with the morning light...



and so i take his hand, because i'm at the top of his list.